Lion Tamer
by pyrrhicvictoly
Summary: Murata schemes. Yuuri attempts to scheme, but fails horribly. Conrad reaps the benefits. ConYuu, sequel to "Swordplay".
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **I'm really sorry for putting this one off for so long. Haha... I said 90% crack, but it's more like 99% now. I'm so sorry! x_X

About Yuuri's dogs, they're novel!canon and named after baseball players.

* * *

><p><strong>The Sexual Misadventures of Shibuya Yuuri Harajuku Furi, Lion Tamer<strong>

**I. Showing Him the Ropes**

It's Saturday evening. College entrance exams are looming, dark and fearful, over the heads of Japan's young hopefuls. Third year high school students everywhere weep over their textbooks. They weep, and then they pick themselves back up, tie on their headbands, and fight-o! They beat worksheets into submission like Ultraman on a pack of bad guys. Day by day, they march into the ring and bite the ears off their opponents like Mike Tyson.

Shibuya Yuuri is no different. Well, maybe he's a little bit different. Instead of cram school, he has that slavedriver of a tutor, Murata Ken, who should by all rights also be studying for the exams himself. But noooo~ Murata just has to rub it into Yuuri's face that he doesn't need to study. His super-brain probably holds more historical knowledge in it than ten Chinese dynasties' worth of scholars _combined_. He practically has a spot reserved for him at Tokyo University - hell, that spot had been reserved for him since his _high school _entrance exams. And now the admissions staff from all the top universities are groveling at his feet and fetching scholarships for him like well-trained dogs.

Yuuri glances down at the mutts lying down beside him, Zinter to the left, Cianfrocco to the right. They sense this and roll over, presenting their bellies for rubs. See? Yuuri has dogs, too. Real ones, even.

Well, he thinks, even if he's a failure of a student compared to Murata and Shori, and he constantly makes his parents worry for his future, and he can't even play baseball anymore because the school won't allow third year students to get involved in extracurricular activities... Even though his life is hell right now, at least his dogs still love him.

Wait a minute. When did Zinter crawl into Murata's lap? Zinter, you traitor!

"Shibuya, you've been stuck on that problem for half an hour. Where's your head?"

Yuuri sighs and slumps down, burying his head into Cianfrocco's fur. "Cianfrocco, you still love me, right? You'll still love me even when my academic career ends with a big boom, like the aftermath of a cherry bomb thrown in the toilet..."

"You're not going to bomb this. Think positive."

"Mmff."

"All right, fine. Think negative, then. It's not just your future at stake, but that of an entire kingdom. What do you think is going to happen once the people of Shin Makoku discover that their king is of below average intelligence? How will the foreign diplomats view a country ruled by someone whose grades are only good enough for community college?"

"...They already know. That's why I have Gwendal."

Murata, exasperated, closes the book in front of him. "Come on," he says, getting up and tugging on Yuuri to follow, "You're not going to get anything done at this rate. Let's take a break."

The dogs whine at the loss of cuddles, but Yuuri has turned into a zombie from too much studying, and now he doesn't have the energy to pay any attention to them. It's like what happens when one repeatedly tries to slam a metaphorical square block into a metaphorical round peg: broken pieces of metaphorical wood and painful metaphorical splinters.

Yuuri's brain likes baseball and TV and video games; it doesn't like differential equations. Now it's turned mushy and unpalatable to the point where even other zombies wouldn't want to eat it, so he mindlessly allows Murata to pull him along to wherever it is they're going.

-oOo-

It's still Saturday evening. Normally, two of the "good kids" wouldn't be out playing around when it was so close to exam time, nor would they step foot in this part of town even if it weren't. Nevertheless, here they are, and Yuuri, who can no longer pretend that they took the wrong bus, has switched to pretending that they took a wrong turn a couple blocks back.

"Murata, what are we doing here? Are we lost? This place is suspicious."

"It's fine. Trust me, I know where I'm going."

"You sure about that? Because I've made up my mind to throw you to the wolves if it looks like we're about to get mugged."

"Don't lie, Shibuya, you're too nice to do that to your _friend_. Besides, we're more likely to get propositioned than mugged."

Yuuri pouts and grumbles petulantly, "You don't have to outrun the zombies, just your slowest friend. Ahem. That would be you, Murata."

"No, that would be _you_." Murata counters with a vicious flick to Yuuri's forehead. "Unlike a certain justice-obsessed _someone_, I've actually sacrificed you before. So. You face the werewolf zombie muggers with me, or we do a calculus cram session until you die."

There's no arguing with Murata when his glasses gleam in that special way that says he might not be able to hurt you physically, but he sure as hell can (and will) emotionally torture and/or embarrass you for the rest of your life. And into the next, because he'll still remember.

"Can't you at least tell me where we're going? What we're doing?"

"We're going in there," Murata says, pointing to a sex shop. "And we're going to get you a present."

NO!

Everything screeches to a halt. Yuuri freezes in place. Murata cannot be involved in his sex life! That is bad! That is nothing but all kinds of bad! Please, no! Anything but that!

"Um..." Yuuri's voice is wavering; his face is twitching. "...Pass. I'll pass."

"Don't be a prude. We're eighteen, which means we're legally allowed to purchase R18 materials."

"_I'm_ eighteen. You're... old. Hypothetically speaking, if I was going to buy porn, I'd do it over the internet so nobody would recognize my face."

"And you'd have it delivered in an inconspicuous package that would arrive while you were at school, and Mama-san would be the one to receive it."

"But it _wouldn't_, because I _wouldn't_ buy porn. If I really wanted that kind of stuff, I'd just raid Shori's stash."

"Oh, of course. Because you'd be okay with finding out what kind of fantasies your brother has. Let me tell you since you don't seem to have noticed, but that guy has a thing for sibling inces-"

"Aaaaaah!" Yuuri fervently claps his hands over his ears. "I didn't hear you! You never said that!"

Murata rolls his eyes and, while Yuuri is still shouting, drags him into the store... where dildos line the walls. And Yuuri's instinctual reaction is to let go of his ears in order to cover his eyes.

"Come on, Shibuya. You're no virgin, and you're not traumatized by seeing fake penises on the walls."

"I'm also not _completely depraved_ like you and my brother. Normal people aren't usually mentally prepared to get an eyeful of fake penises when they first walk into a store!"

"See? You're fine if you're still making comebacks." Murata pats his friend's back in a consoling manner that isn't consoling at all. "Now let's get down to business. I'm going to help you get your revenge on Lord Weller."

-oOo-

"It's a good stress reliever."

"Uh huh."

"You need to relax, let out some steam..."

"Sure."

"We go to Shin Makoku, you get in some quality time with your boyfriend using _these _to spice things up a bit, and when we get back, you'll be refreshed and ready for the exam. Brilliant plan, right?"

"Yeah..."

"We'll take this, too."

"NO."

"It's not as hard as it looks, really. I'll teach you the basics."

"I said NO."

"Shibuya, Shibuya... How is someone like you going to have your wicked way with someone like Lord Weller if you don't tie him down first?"

"I give up on the revenge plot; I was never serious about it in the first place. Can we stop now? I'm about to die of embarrassment."

"You can't say that with a whip still in your hand."

"Aah!" Yuuri finally notices what he's been holding and drops it.

"Besides, you're not Japanese unless you know Japanese rope bondage."

"What the hell! Murata, we're supposed to say something like, 'You're not Japanese unless you drink green tea' or 'You're not Japanese unless you pray to Mt. Fuji'. What does rope bondage have to do with anything?"

Murata smirks in self-satisfaction. "It's a national specialty."


	2. Chapter 2

**II. A Lesson in Patriotism**

Yuuri is an easy-going guy most of the time. He might bicker with Shori about what to watch on TV, or complain about his mom's soap operas, but he usually doesn't mind what they end up seeing unless it was an extremely big baseball game he was missing. As for the rest of it, he prefers historical dramas because they have samurai, and swords, and cool revenge plots. Most importantly, justice always prevails.

Also, the cheesy speeches that the heroes give before they kick ass are always so bad that they're freakin' awesome.

However, Yuuri also feels that watching TV shows is like most other activities in that it's way more fun with someone else. So when Murata called and said he'd bought some DVDs that Yuuri absolutely _had_ to see, he invited his friend over for a night in without a second thought.

Besides which, it's almost Christmas and his family has pretty much ditched him. Only total losers would be ditched by everyone during the holidays. Mom and Dad off on a romantic hot-springs getaway for two that Dad had won from a company lottery... Shori probably getting invited to share Christmas cakes with a bunch of pretty girls...

And then there's Yuuri. Alone. With nothing and no one for company except that giant bag of lube and toys hidden under his bed that he's been curious about, but too afraid to touch.

The ringing of the doorbell saves him from furthering these disturbing thoughts.

"Hey," he says as he opens the door. Murata greets him with a little wave and an impish smirk, and Yuuri motions him inside.

"My parents are out for the weekend, and Shori's at a party somewhere, as usual. Make yourself at home." Yuuri leaves to scrounge around the kitchen cupboards for snacks. When he comes back, Murata presents his find.

"Ta da! Check this out, Shibuya." Murata holds the DVD box set up like it's the Triforce or the Holy Grail or something.

The front of the box says, _The Evil Demon King, Destroyer of Worlds_ in English. It's obviously a Japanese product, though. An image of said Evil Demon King is also shown... And he's a huge, red-skinned monster with bulging muscles, curving horns stuck on his head, and a wicked looking black sword. He was strangely handsome (disturbingly so, Yuuri noted) in a very rugged, very evil sort of way, seeing as he was clad in only a torn loincloth and boots. Perhaps he was also attempting to make a fashion statement with that necklace made of shrunken heads.

Someone out there in showbiz was trying just a little too hard to be cool.

"This," Murata says, gesturing to the hellishly stupid-sounding series like a mentally unstable Vanna White, "is a fantasy series. It's also one of those where they have to scream out the name of their special attacks before using them."

"G-great." Not.

"But that's not all! If you pay attention to the cast of characters… Well, let's just say they're rather familiar."

"Well, we might as well watch it." Yuuri shrugs and goes to turn on the DVD player.

One full disc later, Yuuri's mind is broken. His eyes are glazed over and he stares at the credits rolling across the screen with a dazed expression on his face, hand halfway in a forgotten bag of chips.

"No way, Murata."

"I told you so."

"Why was Gwendal attacking the innocent human children? And was that Gunter with him?"

"Yup. I'm afraid so. The Maou and his evil henchmen have finally made it to a low-quality television program. It gets worse, actually. There's one that looks like Lord Weller, and a woman who rather reminds me of Josak."

Yuuri can hardly believe his ears. Josak as a real woman! He mentally snickers at the thought. "So, have you watched the entire series?"

"Well, the internet isn't _just_ for porn... But no, I only got the plot synopsis online." Murata's glasses glint evilly. "You want to watch the rest, or..."

"…You know what, Murata?" Yuuri's impish grin matches Murata's glinting glasses in sheer evil, if not in cunning. "I think I'm going to save it and share it with everyone."

"Oh, really?"

"This will be a good opportunity to show everyone the, uh, stereotypes the humans on Earth have of Mazoku. That is, I've been learning so much about Shin Makoku, so it's only fair that everyone else makes an effort to learn about Earth, right?"

"Give it up, Shibuya. You just want to see their shocked faces when they discover their doppelgangers."

"Yeah, but don't you?"

If it was possible for Murata's freaky glinting glasses to get even more freaky, then they did.

-oOo-

_Thousands of years of happy reign be thine;  
>Rule on, my lord, till what are pebbles now<br>By ages united to mighty rocks shall grow  
>Whose venerable sides the moss doth line.<em>  
><strong>- Kimigayo (His Majesty's Reign)<strong>

-oOo-

He's the king. He is the _king_. He. Is. The. Fucking. KING.

Yuuri really should have suspected that Murata, of all people, _might_ just _maybe_ have some sort of evil ulterior motive for coming over to his house. Every time he resolves never to trust Murata, though, he ends up forgetting his resolve and then something like this happens. Something like being talked into having Murata in his bedroom, bent and tied into an uncomfortable-looking human pretzel pose.

He clenches his hands around the rope and repeats the mantra to himself once more. _I am the king. I am the king. I am the king._

"That's it, Shibuya, keep up that attitude! Now loop that end under this one, and then do the same thing to the other side."

Why did Yuuri allow things to end up this way? He doesn't even know exactly how it happened, except that at one point Murata had asked him how his studies were going, and Yuuri's mind had flown to chemistry, and then to Anissina, and then to Anissina tying Gwendal up in her lab, and he had asked, "What's the difference between ionic and covalent bondage- I mean bonding?"

Then suddenly it was, "For Japan!" and "We must all do our patriotic duty to our country and learn our glorious national past time, erotic rope bondage!" In hindsight, that sudden leap in subjects didn't make any sense, but by the time Yuuri had noticed what was going on, Murata had already - somehow, with his wicked mind-probing psychic powers - pinpointed the location of The Stash and pulled the things which should never see the light of day out into the light of day. And Yuuri, still reeling from this unfortunate turn of events, was forced to make a decision.

Option A: kill Murata and burn the evidence.

Option B: cling to the paper-thin "patriotism" excuse and go along for the ride. Because it's not like Yuuri would actually be a tad bit interested in something like this. And it's not like he'd had the thought that Conrad would look really, really sexy all tied up like that...

Yuuri proceeds to practice knotting while singing the national anthem softly under his breath. "Thousands of years of rope bondage be thine... Bind on, my lord, till what are knots now..."

"You're crying inside, aren't you, Shibuya?"

Yuuri pauses in the middle of his bastardized song to shoot a baleful glare at Murata. "Why are we doing this again?"

"Because I'm your tutor and you'll listen to me if you want to get a passing grade. Now make it tighter!"

"I don't want to cut off your circulation!"

"You won't. What you've done so far is so loose I could slip them off if I tried."

"Gee, I'm _so sorry _for having your well-being in mind. Besides, I've been kidnapped too many times. I'm having sympathy pains just looking at you right now." Yuuri winces as he sees his own sloppy handiwork. No matter how he looks at it, it still seems painful.

"Tsk, tsk. Where's your confidence? You'd never make it as a dom."

"And you would?"

"Christine was widely noted for her impressive performance as a dominatrix policewoman in the films _Halt! In the Name of Love_ and its sequel, _Freeze! Drop Your Trousers_."

"Halt! Freeze! No more TMI about your past sex life!"

"Why? Don't you want to hear more about the sexual exploits of the famous AV actress currently reincarnated as your friend? You should be honored to receive lessons from The Mistress."

"...I'm going to pretend that you didn't just call yourself 'The Mistress'."

Yuuri yanks extra hard on the knot he's tightening around Murata's thigh, which elicits a yelp. Then, after a two-second pause, Murata unexpectedly moans.

"What was that, Murata? Some kind of delayed reaction? Please don't tell me you're getting off on this."

Murata's only response is to moan again, and louder. When Yuuri fails to respond properly, he rolls his eyes and whispers, "Psst! Look behind you!"

Slowly, his stomach knotting up with a complexity his fingers could never match, Yuuri turns around... and meets the stuff of nightmares: his older brother. Shori's face is like Mount Vesuvius. His hands are curled so tightly around the doorknob that it wouldn't be a surprise if he broke it off, bashed Yuuri's head in with it, and started karate-kicking Murata in the face.

"What are you doing to my Yuu-chan, you bastard!"

"Oh god, it's not what you think!"

Yuuri scrambles back in a frantic crabwalk, but falls on his ass before he can get to his desk. His first thought is to scramble back up, grab some scissors, free Murata, and run like hell. It's a good plan. Unfortunately, it flops before it even begins.

"Hello, brother of my special friend," Murata says with impeccable aplomb. "As you can see, I'm the one having things done to me." Murata looks up to Yuuri from his hogtied position on the floor. "Should we try a crotch tie next?"

"Murata, no! You're just making it worse!"

"Yuuri!" Shori, looking absolutely scandalized, fervently pleads with his precious baby brother. "He's not _that _kind of friend to you, is he? He can't be! This one's no good for you - just look at how he's dragging you into perversion! Onii-chan will never allow this!"

"Um, Shori, listen-"

"Don't think I'll forgive this, friend of my brother!"

"Shori! Murata and I aren't like that-"

"That's _special _friend of your brother, brother of my special friend. And we would rather have your blessing than your forgiveness, wouldn't we, Shibuya?"

Shori's eyes bulge out until they look like they're about to pop out of their sockets and leave a mess on the floor. Yuuri imagines his empty sockets continuing to stare as blood streams down his face.

"Yuu-chan is sweet and innocent! He would never!"

As Murata and Shori continue their bickering, Yuuri sits off to the side and mumbles to himself, "By bondage united to mighty kinks shall grow... Whose venerable thighs the rope doth line... Ah, shit. Patriotism doesn't even work that way."


End file.
